On working in the community

It’s hard to prepare so you procrastinate. hard to prepare because you’re preparing for chaos. different kinds of chaos for different contexts. Its hard to prepare so you don’t prepare. you don’t prepare the work or your mind. You wake up and you get there. You see the faces. You know what to say.

Planning. You talk about what you want to do and try to avoid suspicion. Can’t avoid it. Dissuade it. Remember to speak in your own voice but often slip into a kind of adult voice for explaining hard to reach concepts to children. Over colloquialise. Eccentuate your accent. Say the words “Do you know that kind of way” far too much. Okay. Six weeks. Something at the end. Smoke Break. Resolve to get better. Accept how you feel and resolve to gain confidence. except don’t because you don’t have that awareness yet.

YOU HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY DONE THIS BEFORE. EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE YOU HAVEN’T. THATS A SCARY FACT YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT. I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE. THIS IS ALL NEW. I HAVE TO WALK INTO THE UNKNOWN. I WANT TO.

You don’t prepare and you don’t know what to say.

One day, there’s a structure now in place and we are just filling in the structure. It’s a map. Tammy from the 60s to the present day in Ballymun. Benzo goes on drugs. I am Benzo. You are Benzo. We are telling each other stories. Stories about our lives. Because all of this is true and it actually happened. We don’t want to fucking ‘make something up’- we want to spread a message. We want to tell our story and we are sick of other people telling it.  

It’s hard to prepare because you don’t know what’s going to happen. More than in any situation in the rest of your awareness of life. You walk inside the room and see the faces. Nobody knows you, nobody recognises you. No one trusts you here and everyone is afraid.

As you approach the building you feel the chaos.

You try to remember to breathe. You say hello. You have a smoke outside and you talk about the weekend. You find the common ground. I used to try and invent the common ground by pretending I was like them that we were the same. THEN. I realised I didnt need to pretend - didn’t need to invent because we were. We were the same as soon as I tried to stop making us the same. We were standing on the common ground all along.

How would I prepare for this? How would I teach anyone how to prepare for this. Prepare to feel. Prepare to be alive and awake and on your guard. Prepare to laugh and relate and know more. Prepare to be disarmed. Prepare to surprise yourself with the space you’re able to hold. you are able to hold.

Learn things hard and fast and accept them. ACCEPT everything. Be prepared. Excercise disipline in preparation even if its only inside your own head. Know what your first point will be. Lead with purpose. Lead with purpose and real connection. KNOW THAT YOU ARE THE SAME AS THEM IN A DIFFERENT SITUATION. YOU DON’T KNOW ANY MORE THAN THEM ABOUT ART AND THEY DONT KNOW ANYMORE THAN YOU. THAT HAS TO BE DISCOVERED. YOU CANNOT READ THAT AND UNDERSTAND IT. BUT THAT IT WHAT I DISCOVERED. Discover the specific value of your presence in their lives. Are you really here to TEACH anyone ANYTHING? What does Do The Drama actually mean? You here to do THE CONVERSATION maybe? And why is conversation so important anyway.

One day Barry and I arrived in Star Project Ballymun to continue working with the Women’s Group. We had been making a parellel piece to HEROIN about the history of drugs in ballymun, starting in the present and going back to the 60s, told through the eyes of Tammy, who was always in her twenties and played by all the women at different points. Some of the girls loved it. A lot of them were exhilariting performers. One of them used to draw windows in the flats we had drawn on a map we all made together. One day we arrived to start work and no matter how hard we tried it just wouldnt happen. We couldnt get on our feet. It was where we were at. How me and Barry were feeling. How they were feeling. We spent the time with them asking me real questions about what we were doing. What was I doing. Why was I here talking to them. We talked about injustice and metadone-  By the end we talked about protest marches. We exhausted all other avenues. A march is all we have. It’s all we can do.

YOU WILL HAVE A MOMENT WHERE YOU CAN ACTUALLY HEAR THE CLICK OF TRUST.

Know that you’re being challenged and sometimes you will feel hurt. SOMETIMES THEY WILL TRY TO HURT YOU.  You will often have to reassess. Three times an hour at least. THINGS SHIFT FAST IN CHAOS. Chaos doesnt always look like what you think it looks like.

Prepare to meet the faces that you meet. Know that that is preparation. Know that your preparation - your planning takes whatever form it takes. IT IS YOURS.

Sometimes you will sit in the room and all you will do is talk.

A lot of people in our world never talk. They never speak. They never say the words “I feel” or “I saw” or “I didnt know what to do”

Sometimes the whole project will be just that. A series of structured conversations that you are organising and leading. That will be as valuable as any drama. Sometimes the absense of drama is very welcome.

You will do what you can.

They will do what they can.

You will always do the right thing - because you’re there for the right reasons.

They will always do the right thing - because it is theirs.

Who are you here for?

You is the wrong answer. No you’re a researcher. Now you rob peoples stories for art. Now you’re a leech.

Them is the wrong answer. Now you’re a teacher. Now you’re a therapist.

You are all here to make art. Art is here to make you. Everyone in the room is an artist.

BUT BUT BUT … most of them time BUT NOT ALL OF THE TIME ACTUALLY they are more vulnerable then you. I have found anyway.

You feel the anxiety of speaking in front of people, of sounding clever, of being allowed to engage in ART DRAMA. You feel the anxiety of money, police and family matters. It’s okay if you leave early. It’s ok if you go to the toilet. You all laugh and say it’s okay. You feel the pressure of their lives and you understand. And they understand yours.

MOST OF THE TIME.

THAT IS WHAT MAKES IT COMPLICATED.

Facilitate. BE IN CHARGE AND BE THE LEADER BY FACILITATING WHAT EVERYONE WANTS TO HAPPEN.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT EVERYONE WANTS TO HAPPEN?

FIND ENLIVENING AND CREATIVE WAYS OF ASKING THEM.

Make lists. Make VISUAL aids. PRINT SOMETHING OUT. It adds legitimacy to the whole act for everyone.

Notice that people are now calling you by your name. Notice that it has been going on for a long time and it will probably never end. Notice that these relationships are changing you. Notice that now, take the time to notice what and why. Notice that these are relationships. Wow. Accept the fact that you won’t connect with everyone. Sure why would you? it’s real life. You can’t do everything.

JUST RELAX. WORK HARD TO STAY RELAXED. IT’S YOUR JOB.

Think about the value of what this exchange is, what this collaboration is, but accept that you will never know and thats the point THATS THE POINT FOR YOU AND THE POINT for them. You are asking questions. You are lucky to have the time and space to ask questions, and once a week, you are GIVING that to people who MAY never have had it BEFORE, and you may have never had it BEFORE if once a week, when you were younger, someone didn’t give that same GLORIOUS COMBINATION OF TIME AND SPACE to you.

Make plans.

Be ready.

Be open. Practicing being open and don’t shut down.

Write about it afterwards. Anything you write is the write thing to write.

LISTEN TO EVERYONE.

Don’t be afraid to ask someone to be quiet so you can hear someone who hasn’t spoken- your not there to accept your there to innovate - everyone can find space to listen to each other, if they try and they’re challenged to.

LISTEN.

CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF. Before & After. KNOW.

Trust yourself, because your there for the right reason your doing the right thing.

Nothing can go wrong.

Something is always happening even when you might think nothing is happening.

Prepare.