WHY AM I FAT

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and I wanna discuss it briefly here. First off can I just say 

- my self esteem is fine

- I don’t have an eating disorder

- i’m plenty self aware and practice mindfullness etc

But the fact remains, I am fat. I weigh about 14st, my healthy weight would be about 11st.

My family is matriarchal. The women are at the core and they rule the roost. My grandmother, was a huge mountain of a woman as my sister described her to me. She suffered a stroke soon after the death  of my grandfather, and for most of my life she was confined to a bed. 

When I visited, she would ask me for ‘nice things’. 'Nice things’ are marzipan cake, cream cakes, biscuits, penguin bars. 

In simplicity, my grandmother had suffered a lot in her lifetime. She had raised six children against all odds in an Ireland where women were subjucated by design.  Food, was necessary. Food was a comfort, a luxury that she deserved to indulge in. Food was retribution. A sensation of comfort, a moment of sensual indulgence that soothed the societal wounds at her breast. 

This is an ideology that my mother carried on. 'Nice things’ became, celebrations, chinese take-away, two litre bottles of diet coke, king crisps, cadbury’s chocolate, fancy cereal, white bread… 

'Nice things’ followed me out of my mothers house; lucozade original, cigarettes, doritos original, pizza max, dominoes, pinheads pizza, shirley house, keng seng, canton city, tenessee fried chicken, all day breakfast, cake, coffee, galaxy chocolate, cans of coke, packets of meanies. A stressful moment, get some nice things. Tired? Nice things. Nice things are addictive… and soon it becomes; Celebrate? Working? Awake? Nice things! 

The irony is, that these things are actually not nice at all. I recently looked up 'anti- anxiety diet’ and nearly all the foods on the avoid list where foods I indulge in when I am stressed out and looking for comfort, so by that very logic, I am actually in a cycle of defeat, i eat to feel better and the chemicals in the food create anxiety in me. Shit buzz. 

Its something I’m noticing in the research around HISTORY… Benzodiaphenes, designed to calm you down actually create a chemical anxiety in the body which means you need more of them… Cigarettes work in exactly the same way… 

These things like the nice things are constructions to varying degrees, and all around us clever execs are exploiting that, to sick and sadistic ends (america). 

Diet coke time? Anyone? 

Only the crumbliest flakiest chocolate, makes-you-forget-about-your-imminent divorce…. 

Over the years I have tried in different ways to address this in my life, this reality that I am overweight. 

I am not cuddly, or curvaceous, or bubbly… I certainly not 'big boned’ I eat too much shit, simple as. And it makes me unhappy. 

So tonight, I have decided. I am gonna tackle this in a new way. 

I have spent the last few years working with people in addiction through art… one of the things I try and do is get them out of the guilt cycle…. 

Why did you take drugs? 

I just did

Silence

It was no-one elses fault… just me. No one made me do it.

It was someone elses fault though. The government, their parents (maybe), the global drug economy, the post-colonial disorder, catholic shame etc… 

No one but a lot of things did make you do it. 

And I wonder, is it the same for women and weight? I keep getting flashes of Betty Draper in the last season of mad men, shoving a cookie into her mouth when Don’s new french mot is collecting the kids in the next room. 

So tonight, I have decided that I am going to investigate this question- and see what may come of it.

WHY AM I FAT? Part One.