I Believe You before you Open Your Mouth

Since publishing my experience with Michael Colgan, I quickly started to understand that my story had become a vehicle for others to express the experiences they had been too afraid to share, for fear that their lives would be ruined.

The Gate Theatre has responded by commissioning a report from Gaye Cunningham, who is a woman I respect and admire.

Reports are the great panacea in this country. They are a tried and tested way of “making it go away”. Its executive summary will be read, talked about for one or two days, and then the recommendations are largely not acted upon. Try this experiment.  Look up a report from our history that you remember, and skip to the recommendations. Assess how many have been implemented. If they hadn’t been, would you even know? How much accountability does this process of generating reports provide?

I am one of ten women who has shared our experiences with Michael Colgan publicly.  Much more have shared our experiences with colleagues and friends and some have decided to speak with Gaye Cunningham. Scores of people have been getting in touch with me about their experiences with Michael privately. Many more people have been in touch with me about their own experiences with other men and women in their own industries.

When The Gate announced this process, we released this statement explaining why we would not be comfortable sharing our experiences with The Gate Theatre under its current board.

They didn’t reply and they haven’t changed the parameters. The Gate Board did not consult with any survivors in establishing the terms of this report.

Heather Humphreys - the then Minister for the Arts, responded by asking the heads of the theatre organizations to a meeting to discuss what should be done in response to our experiences. She didn’t ask me or any of the other women, what we thought, and when I wrote to Leo Varadkar explaining my position, she replied to say that she didn’t have the legal powers to intervene.

I approached several independent representative organizations to ask if they could commission a legal expert to carry out a truly independent report, free from the threat of bias of the current board. They all replied that they didn’t have the legal powers to carry out such a report.

I met with Gaye Cunningham, but unfortunately, we weren’t able to find a way that I would feel comfortable participating in the current process.

I believe that this new report by The Gate Board has a lot in common with the slew of failed reports in the history of our state.

It hasn’t been devised in consultation with survivors.

It is funded and administered by people with skin in the game.

It is funded and administered by people accused of being complicit in its findings. It is funded by people who have a clear conflict of interests.

The decision as to how much of it is made public is entirely up to those who would have a vested interest in keeping it buried.

I am now sitting with these experiences, and the experiences of people in The Arts, Media, Law, and Politics, who don’t even have the option of Gaye Cunningham’s process in their own industries.

Last night, from the stage of Project Arts Centre, I spoke to a packed house full of journalists at the Waking The Media event led by Una Mullally.  I believe journalists are people who are passionate about the truth, yet since publishing my blog, I have learned that they are often completely compromised in their pursuit of truth-telling by the threat of legal action. The potential cost of a legal action, regardless of the outcome, means that media companies have to play it safe in what they can publish. I think this means that effectively, we don’t have a free press.

I too, have a vocation, to tell the truth. I believe in serving my country by making exemplary art which highlights the complexities of our experience as humans in this world. I couldn’t help but comment on the farcical nature of the situation where I, as an artist, was standing on a stage, talking to a group of journalists about ways, to tell the truth. It feels like, through the looking glass, everything is in the wrong place.

After my appearance on the Claire Byrne show, I went into the dressing room and burst into tears. I felt physically sick.  I felt “I shouldn’t have to do this. I shouldn’t have to be on national television repeating the words he said to me”. It is not right. I have been on that same show, talking about my opinions on social justice issues, and now I am here repeating this man’s abusive words.

I shouldn’t have to look at debates online “I don’t think she is that fat?” “Ah no, but she is fat”

I shouldn’t have to be asked “Yes, but are you a slut?” Or be accused of “trying to make a name for myself” But the most sinister thing I have had to endure, is the criticisms that I am not following “due process” when it was the due process which failed me. Michael Colgan is entitled to his good name. But when he called me a pig in a crowded room of my colleagues, there was nowhere I could go.

I should not have had to post my blog. I should not be still writing about this. I told many journalists of my disbelief over the past month, that suddenly it seems I am in a better position to publish these women’s experiences with my Tumblr blog, than those who have a vocation, to tell the truth.

In the past five weeks, I had to put my own work on hold to a certain extent. I felt responsible for what my blog provoked in Irish People and I wanted to try to help others to navigate the same space I was in. I feel this work is best done by lawyers and journalists, but right now we are all victims of a system that isn’t working.

I want us all to be able to get back to what we were born to do to. I have to be careful though, about saying, “This doesn’t make sense”.

This makes perfect sense to some, who have orchestrated the system to be this way. For some, this confusion is working. To them, everything is in the right place.

In writing my experience, I believed that people would connect to my truth. I was correct. I have gotten so much support for which I am so grateful; People are saying in their thousands “Well done” and “This could be the start of something great” I latched on to that hope. It made me feel better.  I look at my niece Erin, born in September, and I feel like I could have done what I wanted, I could have changed the world for her.

But now, this moment, which was the start of something, feels like it could be coming to a close. And at the end, we have a process at The Gate which is not good enough, and many thousands of people in the same situation I was in, with something to say, and nowhere to go. Being warned that if they do say something, the media, the courts, even the Dept of Justice, will ruin your life.

There are people out there who don’t want the truth to come out. If the truth speaks to their power, it will ruin their lives. And for the people who never had power; It makes them scared. Their weapons are adjectives like ‘wild’ and ‘witchhunt’ and they talk about ‘due process’. Maybe they feel guilty.  They tell me “I could never do what you did” - and you know what - I believe them. For the most part, they grew up in a very different Ireland to me. I have spoken truth to power my whole life, but until #wakingthefeminists and the #metoo movement - I could never have published my experience.

We live in a different Ireland now, but we are in danger of behaving the way we always did.

In my last post, I asked, if the Government won’t help us, what can we as citizens do to #OpenTheGate?

I wanted to find another way, but I couldn’t. The beginning of something great has led to more of the same.

So now,

It’s time to get into action.

This week we faced an election, predicated on the Justice Department’s collusion in smearing an innocent man’s name, so he couldn’t speak his truth. In a country that can be brought to its knees because of corruption at the center of our Justice Department, it feels more than rich that the Irish Times Editorial tells us that we should “respect due process”.

Power is not taken, it is given. We give these systems and cultures which fail us power by participating in their processes. It’s time to establish our own processes.

My blog post has put the words ‘abuse of power’ into the mouths of journalists, politicians and citizens alike. I’ve heard it said that “Every woman could write a page in the sex offenders register” and “There’s a bully in every office”.

From now on, I am going to resume publishing the experiences of others on this blog.

Here is how I will do it;

I will offer support by listening and believing and exploring with each person what the right path would be for them.

I will try to give each experience fair treatment through the system I constructed when publishing my first experience;

I am taking a legal risk by publishing the experiences of others on my blog. I have to consider the same questions I considered when posting my own experiences. On the balance of probabilities, would a jury believe that it is more likely this happened then it didn’t happen? Like with my first post, I get legal advice on each post.

I will ask myself is it ethical to post this experience? My conscious tells me it is only appropriate to post these experiences publicly when the private processes around people have failed. In many cases, where people have contacted me so far, I have encouraged them to go through the structures that exist, where those structures could be trusted.

Anyone publishing their experience is taking a psychological risk. How will this affect their lives? I will encourage anyone posting to seek therapeutic advice, just like I did.

I discovered through my process of scenario planning my first post, that ultimately I would need to accept that I couldn’t predict the outcomes.

Crucially, I ask what is the person publishing hoping to achieve?

What is their intention for themselves, for others and for society at large?

My friend Rachael Keogh wrote a book about her experiences as a drug user trying to get treatment and coming up against the state forces. I often quote her, when she says that “Writing is an act of hope” I asked her to expand on that thought for this blog.

Rachel says; “I suppose what I meant by that was that writing is not something that I do naturally. It’s a last-ditch attempt to shine a light on what’s real and fancied and find clarity and truth in any given situation. I’ve always loved words and believed that words have an unbelievable force to create change or even cause wars. I loved listening to stories when I was growing up and I still do because stories mold us and fire our imagination and help us to navigate our way in this world. They say that the universe was created by one word. But words are just words. And anyone can say anything. I believe it’s the intention behind the word that is what is important and the most powerful. And it’s the intention that we as spiritual beings connect with and feel and we know to be the truth. Putting my own story down on paper was an act of hope because it was my truth. And I knew once it was the truth that other people would connect with that. And they did.”

I am doing this, after a lot of thought and consideration, because I believe we need to first work to expose this hidden narrative in our society, so we can all see it. To discuss it, debate it, and adjudicate it. What other courts in the land would hear these experiences? The only space we have is here. Here, where we can write our own recommendations, and be accountable as to whether we follow them.

Your story is your story. It’s yours. You own it. You are the only person, who has any say in what you do with it, just as I am the only one who can judge my actions, as it is entirely my right, as it is yours, to bear witness to your own experience of the world in whatever way you see fit.

I hope these experiences published on this blog will form their own report. I hope that report can be a collective corrective experience for how we treat truth-telling and disclosures of abuse in this country. This report will not be titled after an esteemed judge who presides over it. It is called “I Believe You Before You Open Your Mouth”.

Christine Buckley’s truth-telling led to The Ryan Report.

In the experiences detailed in the Ryan Report - God was used as the oppressive coercive force;

“If you tell anyone you will go to Hell.”

In the experiences detailed in “I Believe You Before You Open Your Mouth” - The Law is used as the oppressive coercive force.

“If you tell anyone you will go to Court”

The court should not be a scary place when you have done nothing wrong. Justice should uphold truth, not suppress it.

I am offering this as a space to take the power back and claim your right to bear witness to your own experience, without being threatened by the law. The law is there to protect us, not to silence us.

I am ready to read your experience, to listen, and to believe.

I have the support of legal and therapeutic professionals who will help us both decide the next steps.

Where we were doubted, we will be believed. Where we were vulnerable, we will be protected. Where we were silenced, we will be given space to speak. In spite of everything I have been through in the past five weeks, I can promise you that.

I hope that together, we can create a culture in Ireland where we can say to each other “I believe you before you open your mouth”.

Under the current system, we are forced, by the threat of law, and the legacy of the Church to say “I doubt you before you open your mouth”

And once you speak, I will hear what you are saying, and allow that to influence my view. Currently, we are shutting down the conversation, because the threat is too high.

I hope we can redress this state of affairs.

I hope we can start to believe and trust each other.

Nothing simple is true. I hope we can get to a place as a society where those accused of abusing their power could be trusted and believed to the same degree. I believe we all have the ability to disempower others, to bully, to harass. Mother Teresa talked about her inner Nazi. We all have the capacity for great or evil acts. If bullying is a coping mechanism used in times when someone is under great pressure, how do we find better coping mechanisms?

We need to examine why people feel the need to abuse each other in the first place, because it’s only through that examination, that we will find the wisdom and intelligence to stop this. It is not, through cataloging these experiences in another report destined to a life on a shelf, with recommendations never acted upon.

For now, we need to keep digging.

Leave no stone unturned.

We might not get the chance again.

I hope that;

A dialogue will lead to change.

Understanding will breed compassion.

Exposure will lead to understanding.

Redress will bring healing.

This moment will become a movement.

And

I believe you before you open your mouth.

I am here.

I am listening.

gracedyas@gmail.com

Whatsapp: 0851918419

Twitter: @gracedyas