The shadow in my life: I don’t earn enough money...
I often joke that I work full time at two jobs that don’t pay- art and activism.
Of course, I get some pay off from it, or I wouldn’t be doing it! Nothing can beat the feeling I’ve gotten over the past ten years from saying “I believe you before you open your mouth” to 20,000 people at Stand For Truth, to hearing the hope in audience’s hearts after performances of HEROIN all around Ireland and Europe over the last 8 years to hearing the words of gratitude from women in our sector and gate employees after I wrote about my experience with Michael Colgan last year. From speaking the words of women forced to travel for abortion during NOT AT HOME, to listening intimately to Magdalene women at Dublin Honours Magdalenes and the feeling of satisfaction when something I’ve dreamed with a group of like-minded people comes true, like blocking the sale of the Sean McDermott St Magdalene Laundry, or Stand For Truth.
I love the work that I do, I love the people that I get to meet, I do it because I have a vocation to change the power dynamics that exist in our country that feel unfair to me.
There is a shadow in everything, and this time of year, Samhain, for me always comes with a warning; “everything in the shadow must be revealed”. This year, I am trying to embrace that head-on. The shadow for me in everything I do is that I don’t earn enough money to support myself. Of course, because its the shadow, I don’t want to acknowledge it. I get by pretending it’s not happening because I get so much energy and love and respect from what I do, but those things don’t pay the bills. The more I ignore it, the worse it gets.
I am privileged, in that the projects I work on with THEATREclub, for the most part, get funded, but that is about an average of 10 weeks a year. The rest of the year, I work full time on creating the conditions for those ten weeks to happen, and on activist projects, responding spontaneously to the issues of our time. I live my life by asking God for my spiritual marching orders. I wake up and ask the Universe “Where do you want me?”.
I trust the work I am doing now more than ever. I know I am on a good path, and for the first time, I am seeing real and tangible results. In September, I promised audiences around the country that by October 2020, how we view drugs and drug users would change. I believe that. I believe that I can be a part of that.
BUT.
I have learned in the last 5 years, that it’s fundamentally unethical for me to harm myself to help other people. Since then, I have been trying, (usually around this time of year!) to look at myself as my number one project. What is alive in me that I need to attend to? How can I advocate for positive change for myself?
I need security to keep going.
I took some time away and I genuinely thought about stopping it all. I explored the kind of 9 to 5 jobs I could get. I don’t want to quit. It would be a loss to me and from the encouragement, I have been getting from people lately, I believe it would be a loss to others.
I have thought about other ways of making money, but in the past I have suffered from burn out and exhaustion from taking too much on. The truth it, I already have two full time jobs that don’t pay. I don’t wanna quit either of them.
After seeking advice from others in my situation, I have launched a patreon page. I would really appreciate it if you would consider becoming my patreon. You can do it for as little as 4.27euro a month.
The only way I can keep going is to trust that if people value what I am doing, they will support me, and if they don’t - I’ll stop. Something else will come along. I believe you Universe.
Heres the link if you want to be my patreon, and keep my voice out there; http://bit.ly/gracepatreon
If you can’t afford it, I totally understand. If you can afford it, but don’t want to do it, will you DM me and let me know why? Your wisdom would really help me.
Thanks for reading this far, and I hope you have a great Saturday.